There is something good to be said about customer service. I will be sure to write about that when I find out what it is. Ask me what's bad about it and I can give you seventeen years' worth of answers.
What is customer service, S?
Customer service is a chunk of time (generally 8 hours) in which a person is forced to put aside the true essence of themselves and step into a uniform that drains them of their soul.
Did you say "uniform"?
I did. Namely the apron. The apron has special powers. It can make one smile, nod pleasantly, sometimes bow, and spit out phrases like "Absolutely" and "No problem" and "Would you like me to carry that out for you?" Under dire circumstances, this special apron can be fashioned quickly into a cape.
Wow! A cape?!
Yes, a cape! Customer servants, you see, sometimes need to be superheroes. The mere ability to wear an apron sometimes just isn't enough. We are required, at times, to read people's minds, know exactly what they want before they utter a word, and we must fix every little problem before it starts. And superheroes, after all, are selfless; sometimes we must take the blame for even the most pitiful of circumstances (the special apron helps us by allowing us to utter things like, "You're right ma'am, I apologize. Is there anything I can do to fix this?" or "I take full responsibility.").
Customer service sounds hard, S.
It is! It's like being a hooker. I get a client, I dole out a service, and in the end I'm left with less of my dignity than I started with. At least with hooking the money goes undetected by the government; not only do I get the shaft by serving rude and odious clients, but I'm left with my arms at my sides and a gentle tear running down my cheek, wondering how on God's Green Earth did I manage to get myself in this position.
Is there anything you like about customer service, S?
Of course. I apologize -- I'm such a naysayer! Without question I like the paycheck. And I like getting discounts on my meals and drinks. I like the people I work with (expect for owners or management: it is absolutely imperative that you either dislike or hate the head honchos because, no matter how nice they are to you, they will fire you as soon as look at you, no matter what the reason). I like pretending that I care. I like when the shift ends. And, most importantly, I like that I'm able to leave my mark on every establishment I've ever worked, you know, like a dog pissing on a tree.
What's the worst customer service position you've ever had, S?
Goodness, that's like asking Rod Blagojevich what his worst day has been so far! I wish I could answer this question easily. They've all had their moments, believe me. But all you have to do is keep reading my blog to find out what joyous excursions into the world of Customer Service I've experienced over the years!
Do you have any advice for up-and-coming Customer Servants?
I'd probably have to say just tie that apron on tight and whatever you do, don't forget that there's a person underneath it! Just as that apron has the power to turn you into a smiling idiot, it also has the uncanny ability to make you look like a machine, because that's exactly how people will treat you. But remember: machines break down, and when that happens pieces go flying all over the place! That can be just plain messy. We certainly don't want to see you on the 5 o'clock news being escorted out of your place of employment in a pair of handcuffs and a frown on your face. Keep your chin up! That apron might feel like a prison, but at the end of the day it comes off, the same way tires can be taken off your boss' SUV, or a smile can be smeared off the face of an annoying child.
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